Friday, September 30, 2011

Most of us men are familiar with the "Serenity Prayer" adapted from the theologian Reinhold Neibuhr: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Of course, being "granted" the wisdom to know the difference is the most difficult and crucial aspect of this teaching. However, here are five things we cannot change adapted from David Richo, PhD, (a personal psychospiritual guru for me) to help us men along our journey into our "manhood." These five "noble truths" deal with impermanence of all things, being where you are, accepting those things we cannot change, embracing the unavoidability of suffering, and the duality of human nature.

Some good stuff here that will hint of some rudimentary elements of Buddhism --

1.   Everything change and ends (the permanence of impermanence)
2.   Things to not always go according to plan (the paradox and illusion of control)
3.   Life is not always fair (the beauty of honest and authentic acceptance)
4.   Pain is part of life (the inevitablity of suffering)
5.   People are not loving and loyal all the time (the many faces of human nature)

For more, I heartily encourage all men to seek out David Richo's work

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Relationship is an Active Verb -- Five Habits for Men

Okay guys, we all know men in relationships and who have been married or otherwise partnered for 30, 40, and even 50 years. The men in the relationships appear genuinely content. Happy even. How do they do it? Is there a secret? Did they find their "soul mate"? Here are five keys taken from research:

1.   Keep up with the changes in your relationship: The author Lillian Hellman was once reported to state: "People change and forget to tell each other." When it comes to marriage, that can be risky. The most successful couples take note of each other's changes and do not assume their partner is the same person they were when they married, even if some things haven't changed. Men who are active in relationships take the time to learn their partner's goals, dreams and future plans.

2.   Fight fairly:  Shocker: happy couples have disagreements and argue. But in a mature relationship, power isn't defined by winning or getting our way. This is something with which men may have difficulty. After all, we are socialized to achieve, win, score, etc. However, "power" comes from knowing how to discuss differences fully and honestly. Make arguments and disagreements about the issue and do not demean your partner. If at the end you do not feel heard and more connected to your spouse or partner than you did before you started, you're not building a more loving relationship. Successful couples disagree at times, but in the end, they have learned to understand and respect the differences they may have with their spouse or partner.

3.  Keep Adding New Logs to The Fire":  Research on satisfaction in marriage and relationship show couples bond more closely when they do new, different and enriching activities. How many of us have been seen couples at a restaurant who are not making eye contact, talking with each other, and do not seem engaged in this activity? They seem disconnected, still and alient to each other. Do not get stuck in the same ruts. Challenge each other to take a class together, take part in couples counseling, join a social group, get involved in community activities or a business venture. You have to add logs to the fire if you expect it to continue burning. By helping your spouse or partner to create a healthier lifestyle, any kind of new, enjoyable pursuit can make you feel younger, more connected and invigorate the love you have for your spouse or partner.

4.  Aging is Unavoidable -- Accept it: In good relationships, partners accept the vulnerability comes with the aging and time. Men should seek to take care of their spouse or partner and, in a balanced and healthy relationship, expect the same in return from their spouse or partner. Share your thoughts and fears about what you believe may lie ahead, share your commitment to and your belief in your spouse or partner that you will be there for them no matter what happens. Mature adults who face the future as true companions and even "soul mates" in this manner, can forge an amazing relationship.

5.  Stay in "Touch" with Each OtherOkay guys, here it is: demonstrations of affection and attraction never go out of style — and good news, neither does sex (more on that further on down the road). Older couples who still touch, kiss, snuggle and, yes, create an erotic environment often have the total relationship. Granted, things change: Illness, medication and life crises might get in the way of the kind of passionate romance you had 40 years ago. However, the happiest and most emotionally connected couples are those who have found a way to accept and work with the physical and emotional obstacles and maintain a physically satisfying and sensual relationship. It's an essential component to keeping your relationship alive and strong.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Are Male Boomers Prepared for Retirement? In Denial? What's Retirement?

In a recent piece on the NPR website (http://www.npr.org/) it was reported that most baby boomers say they're planning on an active and healthy retirement, according to a new poll conducted by NPR, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Harvard School of Public Health. And, in a switch from earlier years, more than two-thirds recognize the threat of long-term care expenses to their financial futures.

But some experts worry that when it comes to their health, boomers are still woefully unprepared — or worse, in denial.

"The mismatch between how people think the next 10 to 15 years is going to go and what current retirees experience is something that's very consistent," says Jeff Goldsmith, a health care futurist and author of The Long Baby Boom: An Optimistic Vision for a Graying Generation, a book about aging baby boomers. "There is no question that one distinguishing feature of our generation is this extraordinary, almost genetic optimism. And the poll results look to me like a lot of that optimism was drawn from a deep well of self-delusion."

Read the whole story here: http://www.npr.org/2011/09/28/140853479/boomers-delusion-about-health-in-retirement